from our "Life & Health" Desk

Husband gets Heat from Wife

Greg in Fayetteville, NC: My wife is furious with me, but I don't think I did anything wrong. Two weeks ago on a Friday, a school counselor called me to report that one of our son's friends had told the counselor that our son was depressed and might be considering suicide. The reason given was that his girlfriend had just broken up with him to date another person. I did not know our son had a steady girlfriend and neither did my wife. He is a 9th-grader and has lots of friends, but is very secretive about sharing information with us. I told my wife about the counselor's phone call, but did not mention the "suicide" comment. We spent much of that weekend with our son, including watching a movie (normally, we can't stand the movies he watches), taking him to the mall to buy clothes, and even going out to his favorite restaurant. He never said a word about any problems in his life, but by Sunday evening he seemed much more cheerful. During the past two weeks he has been hanging out with friends and seems back to normal. When my wife and I were talking together last night I mentioned the counselor's "suicide comment" for the first time. My wife was furious with me, insisting that I had withheld key information from her. I told her that I did not mention the word "suicide" at the time because I thought she would overreact to the situation. That comment just made her madder at me. I still don't think I did anything wrong. Why is she so mad at me when it all turned out just fine?

Sally: Your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned if she feels that key information might be withheld from her. Keep in mind that your efforts to help your son on that critical weekend resulted from the school counselor "sharing all information" with you. This allowed you to fully evaluate the information and decide how best to address the problem. Of course, the specific comment about suicide was third-hand information, but you certainly could have relayed that information to your wife and discussed it in terms of being an expression of concern about your son's condition and well-being. In the future, if you think your wife's responses might be "overreactions," you might want to consider that your own responses might be viewed by her as "under-reactions." I suspect that your wife wants assurance from you that, in the future, you will make every effort to share all information. This will allow you and your wife to problem-solve together and effectively discuss and address the issue or concern. I commend you and your wife for spending time with your son and making every effort to help him bounce back. Sharing information and being responsive to his feelings also sets a good example for him. In the future, it might even result in him being comfortable sharing more personal information with both you and your wife.